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Author Topic: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression  (Read 324 times)

Offline Warrior Mother

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Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« on: July 10, 2017, 03:20:16 PM »
I believe I have found the place to get help for my 20 year old son who is working through the challenges of ADD and Depression. I want to thank Dr. Joe for bringing to light the missing links of a comprehensive care model for mental and physical health. As a mother who has been searching for years to find such a model, I am grateful to you.

Here is my dilemma and I am sure it is not unique. My son has created maladaptive thought and belief habits from the living with a brain that processes the world differently. Because of this, he has dropped out of college, has no social life and spends his time playing video games. Unfortunately, he is not in the right mindset to get the most out of a three or four day workshop. There are two reasons for this. First, the mere suggestion from his mother, would render the workshop weird and second, a person suffering from mental challenges may need additional time and support to open their mind up to the idea of change.

What I am hoping to find is a long-term rehabilitation center that may be using your work or an alternative therapist or wellness center in the New York area. The long-term rehabilitation center could be anywhere. Fingers crossed!

Please feel free to email me directly at tgmurtagh@optonline.net

Thank you.
Warrior Mother

Offline Calispera

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Re: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2017, 03:12:06 AM »
Hi Warrior Mother,

I don't have the answer to your question, but I would like to ask if your son does agree to follow a therapy or a rehabilitation? This kind of project has to come from his own wish. If he is not asking for help, you cannot force him to get help. And, from what I understand, there is a possibility that if you try to get him to what you have chosen for him, he will, by definition, reject it. Maybe not, I don't have enough information to know it. But in your message, you have not mentioned any kind of request or opinion coming from your son.

Is he working? Is he living on his own, or is he still financiary depending on you?

Offline Acoustic Di

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Re: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2017, 06:18:35 AM »
On my 9 year old grandsons' recommendation, I watched thiis 20/20 special on internet and gaming addiction (linked below) several weeks ago. His parents had him watch and it made a huge impression on him. It could likely require intervention. This story follows 3 families. This is not uncommon and you are certainly not alone. It's China's biggest addiction problem, and they began gaming addiction boot camps for teens years ago.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VmCZpbhbLzc

All my best to you and your son. May you have clarity and be open to the best possibilities for you both.
Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.  — Lewis Carroll

Offline Calispera

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Re: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2017, 07:18:25 AM »
Thanks Acoustic Di,

I just watched that video, really well done, giving hope.

Offline Warrior Mother

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Re: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2017, 10:29:16 AM »
Thank you for your replies and advice. My son is working but still living with his father and I. I think he wants to go back to school but is terrified of failure. I am having difficulty assessing whether the video games are the cause of the problem of a symptom. Either way, I feel he is using them to cope with more difficult emotions. He is most definitely in denial and hiding from taking responsibility for his life.

I know what you mean about questioning the value of a program that he may resist but we do have some leverage because he is still financial dependent. There is an outside chance he would go to a rehab center just to get out from under our roof. If not, my fear is that the more time he spends in this state, the harder it will be to break free. I see addiction on a spectrum. Perhaps my son is on the lower side of the spectrum but time is of the essence. Is it true that denial is a strong force in addiction and if so, what is a parent to do?

I will definitely take a look at the 20/20 special and will encourage him to do the same. Thank you again for your responses and if you or someone new to the thread could make a recommendation to the question I requested in the original post, it would be greatly appreciated.

Love to you all.....

Mother Warrior
tgmurtagh@optonline.net

Offline Calispera

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Re: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2017, 04:27:06 AM »
Hi Warrior Mother,

I know what you mean about questioning the value of a program that he may resist but we do have some leverage because he is still financial dependent. There is an outside chance he would go to a rehab center just to get out from under our roof. If not, my fear is that the more time he spends in this state, the harder it will be to break free. I see addiction on a spectrum. Perhaps my son is on the lower side of the spectrum but time is of the essence. Is it true that denial is a strong force in addiction and if so, what is a parent to do?

What I read from this paragraph is that your relation with your son is (presently) based on a power of balance. And what could help your son from his parents, is to receive support. But then : how could you support him in this situation ?

Probably that he doesn’t want, at this stage, to trust you because of the addiction and the fact that your only wish is to destroy this addiction. And probably that you don’t see any way to show support for him when facing his addiction.

It’s a real vicious circle. And the advise of Acoustic Di could then really make the difference. It can not only give you a direction to go (there are names and references given in the video that can lead you to find similar solutions in your area via a search on the web, or by contacting them). But it can help your son to get how far the problem can go and could maybe make the difference to get used to the idea of getting out of this situation. A part of him is certainly very aware of the problem, but he doesn’t want to listen to that voice.
So don’t hesitate to talk to this part of him (whatever he will answer to you), it can help you to talk to him in the register of communication much more that in the register of persuasion or balance of power. He will very probably record the message (even if it seems not, or even if he answers on a total different way), and he could use it in the future when he’ll be in state to acknowledge the addiction.
So, if he can watch the video, it will probably take time before it has its effect on him. So, be patient and indulgent with him before insisting to force him to go on rehab.

This is only my opinion. You know the situation much better than me, and if what I’m suggesting doesn’t fit you, it will intrinsically help you to do the contrary or something else. That’s why I’m not really afraid of telling it, while not knowing enough your situation.

Offline Warrior Mother

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Re: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2017, 04:34:56 AM »
Dear Calispera,

Thank you for the advice and you are right about the my wanting to exert my power to get him to acknowledge his addiction. My son is very resistant to anything thing I suggest and there is no doubt that this has to do with my parenting style and the mother/son dynamic that has developed over the years. My son's father and I have been doing our best to be patient and supportive since he dropped out of college a year and a half ago.

I hear what you are saying about talking to that part of him that knows the video games are a problem. Where I get confused is how to long should we be okay with the denial. Providing a roof over his head and food in his mouth seems to be enough for him to believe that he is actually living a sustainable life. It is important to keep in mind that the needs of a video gamer are very limited.

Thank you again for all the advice.  You have no idea how much it is appreciated.

Love,
Warrior Mother

Offline Larry

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Re: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2017, 08:06:14 AM »
Hello,

This is not only your son's issue this is the world we live in. The majority of us are addicted to video screens: phones, texting, Facebook, internet surfing etc.  Personally I know it is easy to forget my greatness and get lost in the social technology.  I see no difference between video games and Facebook or any website. How can we remember that we can acknowledge and honor our wonder and creativity without getting stimulated by screens?  How can we spend more time in face to face present experiences with anyone? with family? with nature?

If we would like to see change in the world we must take a close look at your own selves. (I am absolutely speaking to myself as well) How long will it take? When will the tipping point be reached? I don't know but I know it must be done.  We need to express and tell our friends and family we would rather be experiencing them in the present and up close rather than through pixels.  It is difficult because if the culture says it is okay we "think" it is okay.

On a heart level we know the answer. We can demonstrate through our actions what is true. If a anyone has an issue it is difficult to hear the truth, especially from close family. Unfortunately, some people must crash before they know they need to make a change.

Even today I will have many opportunities to speak up when I would rather be present to a real person. Will I ask them to unplug and spend time together? Or will I just let things go and make friends with google?
may I be the softness I'd like to see in the world

Offline Calispera

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Re: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2017, 05:02:48 AM »
Hi Warrior Mother,

I understand that you feel really trapped in this situation, as a kind of hostage of the situation of your son.

I am not in your place, and cannot really give the right advises. But what I can do is telling how, from an external point of view, I would address this problem.

And what seems to me, is that it would be important to separate different aspects of the situation.

First, separate your son and his addiction. Your son is victim as well of this addiction, whatever he will tell you about that. He suffers from it, but is maybe not yet conscious of it, or he will deny it.
So, don’t fight him, try to resolve the situation by helping him.

Second, I would also separate the two aspects of the addiction and the financial dependence of your son from you. And that can bring a potential solution.

Seeing the circumstances outside emotions and negative perspective : you are totally right if you put your limits in front of this situation, telling for instance :
« You are not going to college anymore, you are grown up now, so I consider that it’s time for you to start to live on your own, and I allow myself to stop to pay for you and to give you room and board. So, now it’s time to plan that you have to go and live somewhere else.

And we can help you to reach this step. How would you like that it happens ? »

You can also consider the possibility for instance, of letting the door open, telling that if he would decide in the coming months to go back to college, that he can stay until he gets his degree.

If you put those limits, you don’t mention at all his addiction. Implicitly it can even mean that if he goes away he will be totally free to stay 100 % addict because not under your control anymore.

What I mean by this, is then that your purpose is to help him and to free yourself, and this purpose is then independent of the idea of trying that he quit this addiction. And it’s important that, if your wish would still be that he can quit the video games, you don’t want anymore to force him or even to try to make him quit it. Do you feel the difference? He will feel it immediately.
If you tell him that you want to help him and that you want to put your limits, but that your aim (not expressed) is still in priority to make him quit the video games : you will then manipulate him. And the only answer that he can then give in this case, is to fight what you propose to him.

But at the same time, the fact that you ask him to leave your home will put him in front of the fact that he will need money and need to find a place to live, and care for himself. And that’s what could shake the situation of the addiction. But it’s only a possible consequence, it doesn’t have to be the purpose.

In other words, your limits, outside the addictions, could bring back his feet on the ground, without threatening him, or blackmailing him or forcing him. Just : there are limits : your limits (and the limits of his father), and you give them. The power that you would then have on him, is no more a kind of authority coming from the parent, but the rights of two people that he has to respect.

It can give him the opportunity to resolve his addiction, but it may also not lead him to that.

And the period needed to leave your home will depend of the circumstances. From the moment that the decision is taken, and that it is communicated to your son, both of you can decide how the steps have to be taken : searching first for a place to live, or searching first for a job.
There also, you will probably be obliged to put limits. For, probably that he will agree with your decision, and then : he won't do anything for it. So, after a while, you’ll have to put a limit in time : at that date, your room will not be available anymore. And Don’t lie to him. If you don’t feel able to apply what you say, he’ll read it immediately.

I don’t know if my explanation makes sense to your eyes.

And I know that doing this will be hurting you as well. I perfectly know that we are talking about your son, and not a thief, a foreigner, or whatever. This situation seems to try to force you to love your son ‘til you’ll have to make him suffer for his own good.
But pain on the short term is probably better than wasting his life on the long term, that would, in the latter, bring you crazy or in depression at the same time.

And the worse in this situation, is that you don’t know how he will react. The outcome is never certain. For sure, don’t go in this direction on the spur of the moment (impulsively). If you decide to go in this direction, wait until you feel ready to do it, and being convinced that it’s the best that you can do (not listening to me blindly).

The most important when you give such limits, is to make as clear as possible, that, whatever happens, you still love him. That you want to support him. And that what you do is not a kind of education method, but that you are exercising your rights, and doing it with love and support, and not as a kind of revenge. And that you decide to do it because all other solutions in front of you seemed to be worse.

Your aim has not to stop his addiction, your aim has to be to solve the problem at your side (even if you hope that it can help him to solve his own problem).
If you don’t separate well enough those two notions, he will know it, and that will not happen on the best way.

And even if he feels your love and your support, and the clarity of your aim, it still can happen badly. But what the most important is, is that you do your best. And not doing anything doesn’t seem the best.

What you can do concretely for instance, is to present him the document that Acoustic Di has suggested. And tell him something like :

Quote
OK, this is the last attempt that we are doing to help you to take distance from the video games. And if you wish, we are ready to help you to go on a rehabilitation center.

But beside this attempt, whatever you decide about the video games, there are other preoccupations that we have and these are…..
telling then that you want him to leave your home for good, with your help, love, and support.

It can seem sadistic, but if you are very clear with your feelings, emotions, limits, etc. If you can do it with lot of love for him, with the most serenity possible, but with assertivity as well, who knows.

This is how, now, from where I am, not knowing all the details, I would try to solve the situation. It’s only a point of view, and I hope other people can bring you other points of view.

And I’m not a professional, I’m just a citizen living several thousand miles away from your family. And I could be wrong. I even don’t have children myself.
I guess I can not help with only words. But you can also try to have a professional advise. If you are ready to pay one, two or three hours with a psychologist, he/she could guide you in your present situation.
Is there any association helping people with addiction (even drug or alcoholic addictions), in your area?
In Belgium (where I live), there are several associations where you can, as relative from a person addicted, give a free call and receive information, advises, etc.  And if necessary, they are ready to receive you at their place for a consultation. Try to find if there is not such possibilities in your area.

The most important is that your love takes more place in this situation than fears and resentments. Then, what you’ll decide to do, will be the right thing.

I repeat : don't listen to me blindly, this is only a point of view. This is only the answer of someone far away, who has no children, and who doesn't know the details of the situation.

By the way, I agree with the message of Larry, that I just read : this is one of the most important motto in my life : “Be the change you want to see in the World” (Gandhi).

I would like to add also, that, if we are (most of us) too often behind our screen, it’s also because we don’t know anymore how to have connections in real life with other people. I think that learning communication, relationship, to know ourselves, and meditate can be some of the best solutions.

But I make also the difference between the common addiction of everybody in front of their screen, and an addiction like those described by Warrior Mother, or in the document from Acoustic Di.

Offline Warrior Mother

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Re: Calling in expertise in treating ADD and Depression
« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2017, 04:05:47 AM »
Thank you Calispera, Larry and Acoustic Di.  My heart is filled with gratitude because of your generosity. I appreciated all the advice and feel strengthened knowing that I am not alone.